The Ballad Of Eskimo Nell

When a man grows old and his balls grow cold
And the end of his knob turns blue
When it's bent in the middle like a one-stringed fiddle
He can tell you a yarn or two

So find me a seat and stand me a drink
And I'll tell you a tale as well
Of Dead-eyed Dick and Mexican Pete
And the gentle Eskimo Nell

Now when Dead-eyed Dick and Mexican Pete
Go forth in search of fun
It's usually Dick that wields the prick
And Mexican Pete the gun

And when Dead-eyed Dick and Mexican Pete
Are sore depressed and sad
'Tis usually the cunt that bears the brunt
But the shooting ain't so bad

Now Dead-eyed Dick and Mexican Pete
Had been working dead man's creek
They'd had no luck by way of a fuck
For very near a week

Just a moose or two and a caribou
And a bison cow or so
But for Dead-eyed Dick and his mighty prick
This fucking was mighty slow

So to do or dare this sex-starved pair
Set out for the Rio Grande
Dead-eyed Dick with his muscular prick
And Pete with his gun in his hand

Wherever they blazed their randy trail
No man their path withstood
And many a bride who was hubby's pride
Knew pregnant widowhood

They reached the strand of the Rio Grande
At the height of the blazing noon
And to quench their thirst, and do their worst
They sought Black Mike's saloon

They kicked their way through the bat-wing doors
Both prick and gun flashed free
According to sex you bloody wrecks
You drinks or fucks with m

Now they'd heard of the price of Dead-eyed Dick
From the Horn to Panama
So, with nothing worse than a muttered curse
These cowhands sought the bar

The women knew too what Dick could do
Down on the Rio Grande
So forty whores took down their drawers
At Dead-eyed Dick's command





With forty arses and forty cunts
You'll see if you use your wits
And you're pretty slick at arithmetic
It makes up to eighty tits

Now eighty tits are a gladsome sight
To a man with a raging stand
They may be rare in Berkeley Square
But not on the Rio Grande

Now Dead-eyed Dick he fucks 'em quick
So he backed and took a run
He made a dart at the nearest tart
And scored a bull in one

He bore her to the sandy floor
And fucked her deep and fine
And though she grinned it put the wind
Up the other thirty-nine

So Dead-eyed Dick gave her a kick
And slung the girl aside
He was making a grin at the second quim
When the bat-wing doors swung wide

And into this hall of sin and vice
Into this harlots' hell
Strode a gentle maid who was unafraid
Her name was Eskimo Nell

Now Dead-eyed Dick was screwing them quick
And was well into twenty-two
When Eskimo Nell let out a yell
And says to him,Hey you

The hefty lout turned right about
Both face and knob were red
With a simple flick of his mighty prick
The tart flew over his head

But Eskimo Nell she stood it well
And looked him in the eye
With utmost scorn she eyed his horn
That rose from his hairy thighs

She blew a puff from her cigarette
Across his steaming knob
And so utterly beat was Mexican Pete
That he quite forgot to do his job

It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell
In accents calm and cool
You cunt shrimp of a Yankee pimp
Do you call that thing a tool?

If this here town can't bring that down
She sneered at the cowering whores
There's one little cunt that will do the stunt
It's Eskimo Nell's, not yours

She shed her garments one by one
With an air of conscious pride
Till at last she stood in her womanhood
And they saw her great divide


She laid right down on the table top
Where someone had left a glass
With a flick of her tits she crushed it to bits
Between the cheeks of her arse

She bent her knees with supple ease
And opened her legs apart
With a final nod to the randy sod
She gave him the cue to start

But Dead-eyed Dick the king of pricks
Was prepared to take his time
For a girl like this was fucking bliss
So he staged a pantomime

He winked his arsehole in and out
And made his balls inflate
Until they looked like the granite balls
On top of the garden gate

He rubbed his foreskin up and down
His knob increased in size
His mighty prick grew long and thick
And almost reached his eyes

He polished the end with rum and gob
And got it red and steaming hot
To finish the job he sprinkled the knob
With a cayenne pepper-pot

He did not back to take a run
Nor yet a flying leap
But bent right down and came alongside
With a steady forward creep

Then he took a sight as a gunman might
Along his mighty tool
And shoved his lust with a dexterous thrust
Firm and long and cool

Now you've seen the mighty pistons
On the giant C.P.R.
With the roaring force of a thousand horse
(You know what pistons are,

Or you think you do, but you've yet to learn
The awe-inspiring trick
Of the work that's done on a non-stop run
By a man like Dead-eyed Dick.)

But Eskimo Nell was an infidel
She equalled a whole harem
With the strength of ten in her abdomen
And rock of ages beam

Amidships she could stand a rush
Like the flush of a water closet
She grasped his cock like a Chatwood lock
In the National Safe-deposit

But Dead-eyed Dick could not come quick
He meant to conserve his powers
If he'd a mind he'd grind and grind
For a couple of solid hours


Nell lay for a while with a subtle smile
The grip of her cunt grew keener
With a squeeze of her thigh she sucked him dry
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner

She performed this trick in a way so slick
As to set in complete defiance
The basic cause and primary laws
That govern sexual science

She calmly rode through the phallic code
Which for years had stood the test
And the ancient rules of the classic schools
In a second or two went west

And so my friend we come to the end
Of copulation's classic
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick
And akin to anaesthetic

He fell to the floor and knew no more
His passions extinct and dead
And he did not shout as his prick fell out
Though t'was stripped right down to a thread

Then Mexican Pete jumped to his feet
To avenge his pal's affront
With a jarring jolt of his blue-nosed Colt
He rammed it up her cunt

He rammed it up to the trigger grip
And fired three times three
But to his surprise she closed her eyes
And smiled in ecstasy

She jumped to her feet with a smile so sweet
Bully she said,for you
Though I might have guessed that that was the best
That you two poor tools could do

When next my friend that you intend
To sally forth for fun
Buy Dead-eyed Dick a sugar stick
And yourself an elephant gun

I'm going back to the frozen north
Where the pricks are hard and strong
Back to the land of the frozen stand
Where the nights are six months long

It's as hard as tin when they put it in
In the land where spunk is spunk
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream
But a solid frozen chunk

Back to the land where they understand
What it means to fornicate
Where even the dead sleep two in a bed
And the babies masturbate

Back to the land of the grinding gland
Where the walrus plays with his prong
Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair
That's where they'll sing this song


They'll tell you this tale on the arctic trail
Where the nights are sixty below
Where it's so damn cold that the johnnies are sold
Wrapped up in a ball of snow

In the Valley of Death with bated breath
That's where they'll sing it too
Where the skeletons rattle in sexual battle
And the rotting corpses screw

Back to the land where men are men
Terra bellicum
And there I'll spend my worthy end
For the north is calling 'Come

So Dead-eyed Dick and Mexican Pete
Slunk out of Rio Grande
Dead-eyed Dick with his useless prick
And Pete with his gun in his hand